Revelation

Today, I had a jolt in my soul triggered by the fact that I dropped an especially baked cake for a Christmas party we were attending and by the fact that along with the cake I dropped and scratched the iPod touch that my brother gave to me as a gift(which was by the way still working and good thing that in landed on soft soil and not on the tile floor, thank God). In which resulted a reaction of guilt, anger, and self pity. So, what i did to calm my nerves was to put on my scratched iPod and listen to the music. Until I came across Taylor Swift's song - You're Not Sorry, I was shouting question after question in my head like: why am I so stupid? how could I be so clumsy? why do you have to be such an idiot? what lesson do I learn in this incident? At that peak moment, I heard something, Someone that said, Did you mean doing it. No, I replied. He said, You're intention in doing things is the most important part. That is the main point in doing something.

Enough said. So for the rest of the evening, I smiled and said thanks. I guess it's true enough what they say those blessings in disguise. Out from the cake I accidentally dropped and my scratched iPod, I learned truth by revelation that our intentions should be clear and precise and hopefully for good, for the better. Don't you think?

Procrastinate not, my soul!

It’s been a long time I haven’t written. I’ve been trying to motivate myself to write but I always end up doing something else. I guess you can call that procrastination. Everyone is in trouble of procrastinating, or at least I am. I’ve been trying my best not to. But that effort usually leaves me empty handed. One of the reasons that it I do end up like that is that I am weak that’s for sure.  And that I cannot do things alone, not without God, or at least that’s what I’ve experienced. You see, I’ve been in 10^th grade for 2 years because of procrastinating. I’m ashamed to admit that. Haha. I could find every reason to not finish my studies, and I did find every reason until I realised I’m not moving forward or making any progress. And that is not good. One of those reasons I found is that I’m scared to finish my studies because if I do I won’t have anything to do. It turns out after I made up my mind and finished my studies, which turned out to be fun learning about phsyical science and watching myself conquer the much dreaded geometry, I found out that there were lots of things I could do. A couple of those things was make a brochure, a presentation, a prayer card, and a newsletter for my Mom. And I thought I was useless before. Now, I’m actually doing something worthwhile and important and all those other stuff you do that makes you feel appreciated and needed. Of course, there were those times that I thought why am I doing this, this isn’t my job, I’m just a kid! I was just again making an excuse. I mean, what is it with humans that we make excuse after excuse to escape from things we have to do to move forward and actually be in a better state? I knew I was capable of doing that stuff, I was just in denial. God made me realise that by doing what I do I’m making a difference, I’m not just being a nuisance, I am helping the society, or at least helping my mother in which by another meaning helping the society too. ;-)  So, I am better by what I do, by doing what I should do, by taking responsibility; and for me and my family especially, by doing what I do I am having faith in God that He will provide for us by touching people through the brochures, newsletter, prayer cards, and presentations I make. Now, every time I lose my patience and start procrastinating a verse that always ‘screams’ in my mind is that verse I can’t quite remember the book and the exact chapters and verse but it says something like this, “in everything you do, do it for Christ.” Something like that. And it puts me in a perspective that I can’t do a job half-done. You know what they say, a job half-done is a job not done at all. So, I don’t get tempted to do a sloppy job because I’m doing it for Christ. I mean, who wants to do a sloppy job for the Saviour of the world? Nobody. At least not me. Now, It is making me think how beautiful it is that people could see Christ in you just by fighting yourself, your sinful being on earth. I do make mistakes, and still sin all the time, sometimes without meaning to. I still procrastinate and get lazy to take a bath sometimes. ;-) But hygiene is hygiene and you can’t make an exception in being unhygienic just because I’m lazy(this is my little too honest analogy. Haha). 

But, I really should learn, we really should learn to not procrastinate every time with little things. As my Dad would say, make it a habit and a lifestyle and you won’t live without it…and I won’t live without unprocrastinating.

So, I say to thee, my soul, procrastinate not for the good of your being!

The Feeling.

Here is my journal entry a couple of months ago. This is a moment of reflection and releasing of inhibitions before I felt happy and content. Months before my father died.

Nobody in all the people I know knows how or what I feel and think. None, that’s what I think, I have never once tried to tell it so. It’s always been difficult. The fear of not understanding, criticism, and rejection burdens my broken soul. But nevertheless, now I will try and speak the contents of my heart.

We (my parents and I) left the Philippines for the second time on June 2010. I was a walking zombie, just surviving, walking the earth not feeling anything, just waiting for a big tradegy or event to wake my affection-starved heart. We left the Philippines half broken hearted due to the loss in the elections to a supposedly great and passionate leader.

A series of big events did happen, though. I was blessed in so many ways through going through the famous tourists spots in Singapore; I went to an inspiring conference that sparked my soul and met affectionate friends that prayed for me. I was thoroughly and entirely soaked with blessings. Yet, there is that broken part of my soul that lingered on something, lost and weary. To cover the pains of my bruised heart, I relied to the company of friends in social networks, almost holding on to my faith in a piece of thread. I was searching for joy and true happiness that not just comforts the heart for a brief while but permanently stays in my heart and soul that it grows and overflows. Friends half understand that, partly because I am not inclined to tell and partly because I show them through my way of being happy yet sorrowful and sorrowful yet laughing.  I couldn’t understand that. Besides in relying through friends through our different means of communication, I relied much more in the hanging thread of my faith, I relied in talking to my Best Friend, Jesus, during outbursts of anger, apathy, and deppressive spasms of pain and cries. Crying because I felt that I am alone and not understood by my fellow humans, not knowing how to open up rightly and carefully, crying because I am scared to make mistakes in opening up, reaching out, crying because I didn’t think anyone would be patient enough to listen and to wait for me to release my hurts and brokenness, crying because I desire to stand strong for my parents who are also burdened in our work and in our family, because I do not want to be a burden them as I already am doing so, crying because a handful of people know and could really pray for me, they themselves do not know my story wholely but bit by bit on different sides of it with different people; those where the reasons of my pain and cries; probably more is in inside, I just don’t know.

My personal problems and outbursts don’t just hurt my pride of what’s left of it, it consumed on it like a parasite. But, what I am truly grateful for all this things is that I become closer to God, the more broken I am, the more I’m mended slowly but carefully, slowly but carefully I get to know what He really is. Questions that uttered unendingly are being heard by the Most High himself. He is answering in the books I’ve read especially the Bible, through people I meet who unknowingly speaking out the answers to the questions I am asking, through silent yet firm and sure voice of the Most High himself. I am surprised and always being surprised by how He responds to my small talks. I felt really close to Him, as if He understands me more than I understand myself, and He does. And I am grateful for that, that Someone bigger than myself is holding me and will not let me go, comforts me like a shelter in the rain.

More of the so-called hurts I mentioned were triggered by: tiredness, fatigue, and pains of being ever mobile, unendingly moving from place to place, every time I have just finished breathing then comes another trip; the icky feeling of being a good guest in your host’s home and territory; the hollowness of being alone and misunderstood; the difficulty of not being able to relate; the burden of familial personal problems; the murdered feeling of conflicts with friends. Those are just the problems; why does it seem to be too big for me? I groan and toss about in my sleep figuring how to balance my life and my studies, figuring in how to endure and pass through challenges. I pray in numbness in how to confront conflicts without breaking the laws and conviction of my heart, to reply in patience and love not in anger, resentment and to respond to it making a difference not just to act rashly without thinking of the consequences in whether or not you will regret what I am going to say, to pray unceasingly for your family and friends, and for the people I meet to be pleased with me. The mixture of selfishness of self pity and the gravital pull of the responsibility and expectations of your family and friends wearies me down. Most of the times, I escape into my “day dreams,” my own made up stories of future life of white picket fences and husband, kids, wealthiness and rose-colored glasses and made up stories of unknown people directing it as if its my own movies and creation with tiny grunts and denied wishes of my life being such the people and stories I make. It’s a painful process of clinging to a life that never was and probably never will come true. I am truly guilty of hanging and basing my faith in my wishes. But another truth that I longingly want, need, and deeply desire to have is a deep, faithful and fruitful relationship with my Maker that fills my needs more than the accompanyment of friends and probably a reserved lifetime partner for me. I am almost hopeless and thoroughly in need of a debriefing and inner healing. But being a very private person about how she feels and who thinks she doesn’t have that many deep and luring secrets, I have that painful and long process of letting out the words and the feelings that have been planted, deeply rooted, and stored for quite some time that if not given enough time and patience to let out what’s been storing down there I might just collapse and not let it out. I don’t know how to say I need one, since I think everybody think I don’t need any of those debriefing and inner healing. I have been acting I am alright, part of my reason for acting so is that I have read somewhere that sometimes when you act how you want to feel you might just be it. But a deep wound needs to be cleaned before covering it all; a broken soul needs to be mended before it can function as flawlessly just as before, even better than it ever did function. I often wonder on how much more I can take. I just hope that if I do, I will collapse on the right time and the right place. I keep reminding and saying to myself that I do not want to be a hero standing so strong yet all broken all over inside. I just plainly want to stand for the people who needed someone to lean to being all burdened and depended upon; I need to stand for them. But my pride, again whatever that’s left of it, do not want to be pitied either, but silently I don’t speak that out. However, in my heart, I thought, it might just be the lift I need in my fall.

I tend to focus on the fruit instead of the vine. Yes, it is selfish, but that the desire to be perfect, flawless, spotless, and mistake-free person is leading me to doom. The pressure in wanting to be a perfect daughter, a perfect student, a perfect sister, a perfect friend, and every other position there is for me to fill. The I-must- be-perfect attitude was an energy strainer and a joy killer. I know I can never be on my own and until that I reach the end of my journey here in earth. But being insistent and selfish in desiring the reflected glory of being the vessel of the King, I grow weary and disappointed every time I fail. I needed a mentor to speak correction to my perfect mistakes. I needed someone who cared enough to be voice that out for me. Little by little, I became aware that God has a grace the perfects all my weaknesses. I was beginning to truly see that He who began a good work in me will carry it until completion until the day of the Lord comes. Even as I wait, while I fall and while I stand up, I hold on to the God who loved me first so I could love Him back…

It may seem untimely, but here ends my honest journal entry.

Humbly signing off,

--Josy

Music. Love. Beauty.

What is music? What is this powerful combination of beat and rhythm that our soul and heart dances with? How is this so called magic so powerful that we respond to it?

Just like love and beauty, I could think of countless reasons to count this real invisible, untouchable, unbeatable force as utter nonsense. Yet, it defeats me in a way that I believe in it, that I am captivated by it in every inch of its unmeasurable measures. It gives every reasonable, unexplainable reasons that my hearts couldn't almost comprehend in believing it. I search for the meaning, the reason after reason for it's existence in my life. The reason of love and beauty. Why am I inclined to be in it, with it, and almost, that I can't almost admit it, live by it.
And how it seem to be that this abstract things: be it music, love, or beauty, my soul, my whole being seem to become alive knowing that somewhere deep, deep down me there's that tamed beast that desires to be one with it, resonating the familiar richness that I have been looking for, the bridge: faith.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

The diary post

For what seem to be such a long time, I stopped writing. My reasons, valid or invalid, needed to be said or not, will not be lose of appetite due to emotional woven through physical disasters but due to lose of words because my state seem to be difficult to translate into words even though I see my life, my situation as a book flipping from page to page getting more complicated yet exciting. So, as everyone might know, my father, my "male" best friend, died. The grief almost swallowed me. The pain that the one constant person in my life that will appreciate me, that will still think I'm cool if I acted like a jerk because he knows me, the one who implanted in me nothing but memories and wisdom, my father who really acted and took his responsibility as a father very seriously, was gone, was gone after three long or rather short breathe-like hours of waiting and hoping he would survive the fatal accident he had. He was gone just like that. I've never seen him so helpless since he is the kind of person that has always been helpful with overflowing grace and kindness the world has probably not experienced very often. I could only look back in time and cry and always think that it's like crying over spilled milk, the things that already had happened, but then again, Papa was more than just a spilled milk more like gold and precious gems burnt to every degree that cannot be appreciated and seen anymore. It was pain. But pain is pain, and there is nothing you can do more in pain than endure it and let it pass, drink medicine or whatever. You have to accept however painful because mostly there is nothing you could do about it but get on with your life. I made it through not yet finished but I am through almost, on the way there. I can't be a pessimist in this time of my life. Especially trouble is attacking me side by side. But I guess that's what faith and God is for -to fill out the holes of us as a human being could not cover. Accepting is not, never easy I can tell you, whatever it is -loss in death, in love in whatever it is to lose, but you should remember however bleak it may seem, however hopeless it may be, however you insist that there is no hope, but there is hope. That trust in that hope, in God, in Jesus, is going to get you out of it.

Accolade: Jennifer.

My friend, Jennifer, is a beautiful being. She is unique in her own way. The way she expresses herself in her sophistication in a special art and it echoes a deeply vibrant voice from within her. She is one of the most independent people I have ever seen, a very fine example for a leader. How she stands up from a fall is amazing; it makes people want to be her, to be like she is. In her, I have seen patience that proves itself, goes beyond even if it means giving up her pride. She is a confident lady that treats people with respect even to people who mistreat her. I have learned much from her. Her potential of being a much greater person for God’s glory is boundless, limitless. Someday, a time will come where she can really shine and show who she really is without judgement, without criticism, with full air of freedom. Everything has its own time: understanding, love, and happiness will come, Jennifer.

Accolade: Elle Potter

One of the most resillient friend, I ever had is, Ms. Elle Potter.

She has gone through what I call extreme storms of brokenness; for example, losing a love one, enduring hard unexplainable state of being and so on.

She survived that and still surviving. Well, not just survived that but she still continued to live and learned how to laugh again and shine.

She’s also most of the times misunderstood, misjudge by people who don’t know her, even sometimes those who know her.

Not much people see her as her through and through – a very interesting, understanding, witty, beautiful, and Godly person.

Most people judge her before they get to know her. One thing they don’t know is the first rule about her is her name. Her name which means God is my Judge. In that I have learned to first see all of the things to consider before jumping into conclusion.

I would like the world to know how good of a listener she is. She doesn’t just listen with her ear instead she listens with her heart.

She is very appreciative and modestly honest. And what I like best about my friend, Elle, is that –unlike a lot of us – she doesn’t wear any masks to cover her being.

She is shy like a flower that needs time to bloom. But she doesn’t wear any mask, in that way she’s being bolder than a lot of us. If you could see her past your judgement, you could see her beauty not only physically but also in her personality and character. 

She lifts her chin up and high, but she is humble and meek. 

She is very wise. And often times, she couldn’t see that she is greater than what she really think she is and could be much greater, in that she has the power to manifest the glory of God. Llike a flower gently unfolding its beauty, she does.

A welcoming

Praise the day that I could welcome challenges and difficulties just as I welcome blessings in my life. Most of the times, I fail to perceive those challenges as blessings in disguise. They are. Not knowing that the gifts of virtue and the character I obtain after these challenges and difficulties are worth the process. These virtues, this character I obtain are priceless. It lasts more than a lifetime. It lasts up to eternity. These things are the crown of its wearer reflecting the glory of its’ Maker. I am glad to say that I am learning to embrace and welcome these challenges. God is a good teacher. No, nurturer. J Yes, God is the greatest nurturer to provide us these things. 

Private Life.

Hi!

I’m back! Since, last year (how weird it is to say that), December 31, 2010, I haven’t been posting due to business and loss of words to write. I am back to say that I have survived the first challenges that life has greeted me, this first month of the year. How grateful I am for that! I made it through, through God’s grace of course. J I’ve been entertaining myself in playing pin ball and writing stories and writing diary entries. It’s fun! It’s fun to release outbursts of the soul, releasing it through my fingers when my mouth doesn’t seem to serve me nicely like the way it does before flawlessly letting out the right word and unfortunately not all the time the right time. But nevertheless the right word goes out. But now, because of my fondness and the company of silence, I have embraced the private life. The hidden private life, which only God knows and understands. How grateful I am for that, that God, that someone bigger than me holds me and will never let me go. With only God knowing how you feel and what you think, even with trust the fear of betrayal and ridicule of other people doesn’t burden you no more. It’s touching that He touches you to release it and share it at the right time giving us the right people to release it through. The right person to hear has not come yet for me, but I wait in anticipation. He truly is Jehovah-Jireh, the God who provides.