The diary post

For what seem to be such a long time, I stopped writing. My reasons, valid or invalid, needed to be said or not, will not be lose of appetite due to emotional woven through physical disasters but due to lose of words because my state seem to be difficult to translate into words even though I see my life, my situation as a book flipping from page to page getting more complicated yet exciting. So, as everyone might know, my father, my "male" best friend, died. The grief almost swallowed me. The pain that the one constant person in my life that will appreciate me, that will still think I'm cool if I acted like a jerk because he knows me, the one who implanted in me nothing but memories and wisdom, my father who really acted and took his responsibility as a father very seriously, was gone, was gone after three long or rather short breathe-like hours of waiting and hoping he would survive the fatal accident he had. He was gone just like that. I've never seen him so helpless since he is the kind of person that has always been helpful with overflowing grace and kindness the world has probably not experienced very often. I could only look back in time and cry and always think that it's like crying over spilled milk, the things that already had happened, but then again, Papa was more than just a spilled milk more like gold and precious gems burnt to every degree that cannot be appreciated and seen anymore. It was pain. But pain is pain, and there is nothing you can do more in pain than endure it and let it pass, drink medicine or whatever. You have to accept however painful because mostly there is nothing you could do about it but get on with your life. I made it through not yet finished but I am through almost, on the way there. I can't be a pessimist in this time of my life. Especially trouble is attacking me side by side. But I guess that's what faith and God is for -to fill out the holes of us as a human being could not cover. Accepting is not, never easy I can tell you, whatever it is -loss in death, in love in whatever it is to lose, but you should remember however bleak it may seem, however hopeless it may be, however you insist that there is no hope, but there is hope. That trust in that hope, in God, in Jesus, is going to get you out of it.